Aware of My Need

There's a line in the latest Toby Mac (woot!) song that has seriously captivated my mind. It's so simple and yet at the same time has seriously just struck a chord with me. The line simply reads, "I've never been so aware of my need." This.

When I asked Jesus into my heart, I was 12. Almost 13. I remember the moment, the prayer, and the person who prayed with me. The moment was obviously captured deep inside my soul to remember forever, but I also remember not really thinking it was that big of a deal. I didn't really grasp the kind of decision I had made - I simply made a decision that felt right. As most teenagers do, I decided with my heart. I'm so grateful for that moment and that in that moment the Holy Spirit clearly had an overwhelming presence. God knew exactly what He was doing even when I didn't. At 12, I knew I needed Jesus in my life...even if I didn't understand why.

This isn't a testimony story though.

It's a story of how much in awe I am that as an almost 30 year old (yish!), as a mom of two, as a wife, as a mortgage-paying, "in control grown-up"...seventeen years after asking Jesus into my heart...I'm still in need of Jesus. And never in my entire life have I been more aware of that need. I'm not really sure why that's such a mind-boggling concept to me, but it is. I'm floored.

Maybe it's because I always thought grown-ups had it together. Maybe I thought that once you're a mom life is magical and makes sense. Maybe it's because Disney fairytales are embedded way too deep in my mind. Whatever the reason - I am absolutely floored that I can admit to needing Jesus more than ever before.

As I teenager, I was SO convinced that I was suffering the worst tribulations a teenager could suffer. Oh was I hard done by (*grins*) - clearly I needed Jesus to save me from my life. And that's not to undervalue what I felt as a teenager - because obviously those were legitimate feelings and I did need Jesus to save me from my life.

I guess I can't quite put into words yet exactly what I feel. It's simply an awe that despite my life being somewhat, kind of, maybe, sort of put together in a presentable (to the world) fashion...I still need Jesus. And not in my horrible, hard done by teenage sort of way. More of just in a humbling sort of, taken aback fashion...in a seventeen year relationship with my Saviour, it's now that I've never been more aware of that need for Him. I'm thankful I'm more in love with Jesus now than I have ever been...and excited to find out what this relationship looks like in seventeen more years. And then seventeen years after that...for eternity <3